May 6, 2023
May 6, 2023
This has been a hard week. An exceptionally hard week. On Sunday, I had a divine appointment. Every dry and brittle part of my soul was exposed, parts I didn’t even know were there. I knew my soul was thirsty…I would even say a little parched. However, the moment the call to worship reached my ears, my heart split in two, exposing the absolute destitute and barren regions of my soul that hadn’t been reached in so long I forgot they existed. The entire service was such a balm to my aching, broken soul. I physically felt the Holy Spirit breathing life breath into those places. Reawakening them to even feel was a beautiful experience. Even though this particular breath reawakened an ache similar to exercising muscles that you forgot you even owned until spring came and garden commenced. They weren’t atrophied, just dormant and unused. My heart was so filled even to bursting causing excess to spill from my eyes. It just couldn’t contain the flooding of love poured in to me at that moment. Oh what a glorious gift. I pray that every person on this earth would experience that in their lifetime. It can not be even remotely duplicated.
As beautiful, amazing, and utterly awesome this experience was, I am seasoned enough to know that Satan could not tolerate this reawakening. What a threat I could be if the embers for the Lord that remained were fanned into flame.
James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
I have already had a headache every day since at least mid January, some days quite debilitating, periods of depression, and anxiety. Monday, however, brought an all too familiar darkness. As I tried to move through my morning, I was overcome with the heavy weight of exhaustion, physically and mentally. I tried to get some writing done, but I couldn’t. I felt like I had a sopping wet weighted blanket draped over me. So familiar and so heavily burdened I retreated to my bed and slept the day away. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone, respond to any texts or even interact with my family when they returned home.
It was as if Satan was challenging me, looking for a sparring partner. Instead of succumbing and choosing to join in a spar that would deplete any energy I had, I prayed and asked God to fight for me. I knew this battle was his and I embraced it. While I didn’t answer the phone, I didn’t interact with anyone that day, I lay in bed, I prayed, and I let my body rest.
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The rest of the week my headache continued, as it does today, and I struggled all week to wake up early enough to walk with my friend, to even get out of bed. However, God gave me the strength to persevere, to get out of bed, work in my garden, take my niece to her appointments, spend time playing with my grandson, and have a few evenings of dates with my precious husband. Friday brought some relief to my head and terribly tense muscles by way of a massage from a wonderfully gifted therapist. I was also able to meet with a dear friend for coffee and spend the evening in fellowship with my boys, the precious women in their lives, my grandson and my niece having dinner, good conversation and enjoying an inspirational video together.
My very dear friend, whom I shall call Jennifer (because that is her name), as well as my husband have been praying for me. They have seen that I had lost my joy. Jennifer gifted me a joy journal that we have been doing since the beginning of the year. I started the year strong, but in the last few months as my joy has faded more and more, I have neglected to it out daily. It is such a simple act to take the time to sit and reflect on your day, gleaning moments of joy to write in this journal but it is oh so powerful. Seeking and finding even the smallest morsels of joy is empowering in our journey through this life. As Ezra reminds us in a phrase taken from Nehemiah 8:10 ….the joy of the Lord is our strength.